...Through My Recent God-Pause

At times, life throws so much at us that all we want to do is hit the pause button so we can re-group, re-focus and take a long look in the mirror while we ask, "Who's life am I in?" That's where this story starts, with me looking in the mirror...thinking, "That looks like me, but this isn't supposed to happen in my life. Hasn't my family been through enough? WHO'S LIFE AM I IN?" This rendezvous with that spiteful looking-glass had become an unwelcome part of my routine as of late.

Allow me to take you back, to set the scene, if you will. My family has suffered a lot of loss; there has been murder, miscarriages, violence, addiction, divorce, suicide, abuse and disease. Disease happens to be the recurring monster in our family. I had skin cancer at 18. My great-grandmother had dementia. My grandfather, who I adored and was my Father-figure until my mom married, suffered and died from liver cancer. His death was not a peaceful passing. My Grandmother (who raised me) is the person I love more than anyone else in the world, except my husband of course, and is living with Alzheimer's. She lives her life paranoid, angry and confused. To anyone who has not witnessed this cruel disease progress in a person over time, I envy you.

One would think (I know I did) that our family has suffered enough heart-ache. One would be wrong. Let me introduce you to my Daddy. He came into my life when I was about 8...and he stayed. He married my mom when I was 10. He is a kind, loving, understanding, funny, never-meets-a-stranger, type of man that I truly believe was hand-delivered into my life by God Himself. Please understand, in my mind, this man isn't just any Daddy, this man is the Daddy that steps in and loves a 10-year-old child as his own flesh and blood. This man is the Daddy that reaches out, claims as his own, and holds in his lap the biological, emotional, financial, personal, life-long responsibility that, at one point, belonged to another man. That takes a love that goes beyond biology. This man was the Daddy that looked into my eyes and caught a glimpse of another man's genes, but saw only me. He comforted me the first time I cried over a boy, he oh-so-patiently taught me how to drive on a stick shift, he gently zipped me into my prom dress then gave my date a rather unsettling evil-eye, he cried when he dropped me off at college, he knew I was going to marry the man that is now my husband years before I did, and he recently walked me down the aisle. This Daddy is my absolute hero and now, a painfully short 19 years since our first "hello", I'm trying to figure out how in the hell to say "goodbye."

You see, disease has reared it hideous head in our little family bubble YET AGAIN. My darling Daddy might be dying, at 47 years of age. I say "might" because his doctors have only been able to give us a working diagnosis of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD). Its a working diagnosis because there is no way to give a definitive diagnosis until a brain autopsy is performed following death. His doctors anticipate that he will pass away before the end of the year.

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, "CJD is a rare, degenerative, invariably fatal brain disorder. It affects about one person in every one million people per year worldwide; in the United States there are about 200 cases per year. In the early stages of disease, patients may have failing memory, behavioral changes, lack of coordination and visual disturbances. As the illness progresses, mental deterioration becomes pronounced and involuntary movements, blindness, weakness of extremities, and coma may occur." You see, CJD literally eats away at the brain..it rips holes through what makes a person tick, turning the brain into the consistency of a sponge. No one knows what causes CJD, and no one knows what to do about it. Before my family even began to notice wisps of his symptoms, he was already dying. Dad has always been an extremely healthy man. So imagine our confusion when we began noticing that something was off with him around Thanksgiving 2008. He had lost weight (yet, still ate like a horse) and his behavior was abnormal. We honestly thought he was just tired and over-stressed from the Holiday Season commotion. By Christmas his behavior was downright odd. By the end of February his health was on a rapid, downward spiral and we had no way to stop it.

He changes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My mom, my two younger brothers (ages 17 and 15), and I watch as our AMAZING man continues to DIE. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And there isn't a damned thing anyone can do about it. Absolutely nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Every day, I wish we were facing cancer again...at least that is something we can actually fight.

He can't wash my car for me anymore when I come visit. He can't try to teach me, yet AGAIN, how to change my own darn oil. He can't bake his INCREDIBLE twice-baked potatoes that are my favorite anymore. He won't see my brothers graduate. He won't see them make Eagle Scout. He won't be able to take THEM to college. He won't be there when THEY get married. He won't be there for me to call when Husband and I buy our first house. He won't be able to teach my not-so-handyman-husband how to be handy. He won't be one of the first to hold his newborn grandbabies. He won't EVER hold his grandchildren. My Dad won't be.

Naturally, I'm a mess. My strength is constantly being tested. I feel as though I am hanging onto the last shreds of my composure and I just want to take a pearl handled (I am a lady, after all) 38 caliber Colt revolver and with body rigidly defiant, hair reflective of a lion's mane, a guttural battle cry....take aim and empty the cylinder on that damn pause button.





Wait for it.....





In walks God, stage right. He, in His Ultimate Wisdom and Gentleness, taps the pause button for me and pulls me into His lap the same as Daddy did. A God-Pause is a time in life where God decides to reach down into our life and says, "HOLD EVERYTHING!!" He scoops you up before you even start to fall from being too life-dizzy. God-Pauses are infinitely better than personal-pauses where we, ourselves, decide things are just too hard and check the eff out for a period of time. A God-Pause, for me, gives an opportunity for reflection, processing, brain-storming and following the Holy Spirit back to the path that will lead out of the forest and into the sunlight. God-Pauses make me antsy and nervous though. All motivation to do anything is gone, you have no clue what you are supposed to be doing with yourself or your life, just about everything in life is a little foggy, your brain NEVER stops, sleep is restless and there is this stirring in your soul that keeps you from ever being able to relax. I never know what will come once God takes me off pause again. Its never something small and this God-Pause is over.

God smacked my play button so hard this time it jolted me from my slumber. In my dreams I saw my husband and myself writing a book together. A book about our story, which is rather unique and hard to believe at times, and our two weddings. You see, when said Husband proposed to me in May I knew I was facing a tough decision. We had always wanted a large wedding that we took our time planning. Sadly, time is not on Daddy's side. I absolutely refused to lose the experience of my Daddy walking me down the aisle. REFUSED. I also refuse for my groom and I to miss the experience of taking our time to plan the large wedding that we have dreamed about. So, never being the type of person to let walls and rules and boundaries and "SUPPOSED-TOs" rein me in, I got creative and decided we would have two weddings. Period, the end.

Our first was on July 5th and we planned it in one month, which I have learned through the planning of our second wedding, was a God-given MIRACLE in itself (stay tuned for future installments of "Wedding- Round 2 Drama"). I managed to pick out, purchase, ship and alter my dream wedding gown, hire a phenomenal photographer, book the ceremony and reception locations, arrange flowers, hand-make my veil and headpiece, get our marriage license, arrange music, arrange tuxes, iron out ceremony details, iron out reception details, get immediate family in town, help mom with her outfit, pick out Scripture, etc, etc, ETC...all within 4 weeks. I deserve an Oscar for that performance.

At first, we decided we were going to keep 'Wedding, Round 1' quiet because we didn't want the fact that we were already married to take away from the special-ness of 'Wedding, Round 2' for our friends and family that didn't get the memo. After being married a few weeks I thought about the fact that we chose to handle our wedding ceremony(ies) this way to honor my Daddy and hiding our decision and our reasons for it was a contradiction to that honor. Unacceptable.

So, secret over.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE... We be hitched. And we be writing. Yes, God took this particular pause to give me time to learn some things, to grow a little. He has put an idea in my head and a fiery desire in my heart to write that book with my husband. Will it be painfully difficult? I'm sure. Will it be heart-wrenching? Sadly, yes. Will it teach the hubs and I things about each other we never knew before? Absolutely. Will we ever submit it for publishing? Who knows. Will it be a best-seller? Who cares. If it is, will we donate a portion of our profit to CJD research? Oh God YES. Will it be an honor to my knight in shining armor and provide a way to keep his spirit alive in our family for generations to come? You bet your buttons.